Wrestling with the Mysterious

It's always interesting to watch your kids grapple with the mysteries of the great I AM. They always think they've got Him figured out, and they're wondering why the adults don't get it.

Jacob is learning much about God -- at least, I think he is. We talk often about Him, and questions from Jake come up regularly. At dinner tonight, he announced (yet another) concept he "got" about the Lord.

"Momma, you know what? When I sleepin', God sees me. You know how? He lookin' in the window."

"Well, no, Jake, actually God doesn't need to look in the window. He just sees you. All the time. He isn't blocked by our roof or walls. He can just see, even in the dark!"

"How He do that?"

"I don't know, Bud, He just can! He's God! He's everywhere all the time and sees everyone all the time!"

"He in our house?"

"Well... yeah. Pretty much..." (God, are You IN my house? or just hovering? I mean, I know You're just there, everywhere, not hemmed in by walls... How do I explain the mind-blowingness of You?)

"OH!! I KNOW how He get in our house!!"

"How, Buddy?"

"He got him KEY!!" (giggles from the 12-year-old)

I don't want to paint a picture of the Lord being bound by human constraints, so I insist: "No, Jacob, He doesn't need a key!"

"OH! I get it now. You leave the door open?"

Omnipresence. Even I don't get it.

Later, at bed time, I was singing to Jacob, a song requested by him: "Great is our Lord, and mighty in power; great is our Lord, and mighty in strength. Great is our Lord, I lift up my voice, I lift up my voice..."

Climbed to the top bunk to kiss my 7-year-old. He announced that he's just composed (yet another) song. Did I have time to listen? Absolutely!

"Well, Mom, it's sorta like that song you were singing, but different. It goes..."

[And here's where I wish I'd had a camcorder around. You gotta imagine this sleepy little guy, singing in his tough guy monotone... had this sorta Bob Dylan thing going... And I can't remember all of the lyrics that went to this VERY long song, but most of them were sorta like this:]

"My Lord is so strong, He is so powerful. He ca-a-a-n ke-e-e-i-illl you if He wants to. He can just knock you offa this planet if you live on it... If He wants to... Because you are a si-i-i-i-nneeerrr... We are all si-i-i-nnneeerrsss... So shout it out loud!! Sing it real loud! Praise Him!... Yeah... yeah.... yeah...."

Well... I thanked him for sharing. Told him it was powerful, full of truth. Made a mental note to self: "teach more on the merciful, kind, compassionate nature of God at breakfast."

God is big. He alone illumines our minds to know what we can about Him. And it is exciting beyond description to know that we see but a tiny glimpse of Him -- and that we will know Him fully when we stand before His throne! How will our brains not explode?

In the meantime, I continue to ask for wisdom in how to teach my kids about this mysterious, eternal Lord.

A Theory

I've found myself struggling more and more over the past two or three years with a brain disease. Don't know what it's called, haven't seen a doctor. I just know it's there. I call it "brain rot," and it's aggravated by lack of sleep, too many tests piled up for grading, too many questions directed at me in a short span of time, hormonal fluctuations, and... well, age.

I've wondered over time, though, where it started. What caused this decline in mental functioning? Why is it that I can only remember my husband's SSN but not my own? Why can I only remember last names but not first ones? Why do I remember my 9th grade best friend's birthday but have to stop and think about all of my children's? How do I remember my 14-digit library code but wonder if I'm giving my telephone number correctly to the doctor's office? Why can I no longer speak intelligently, with long words that are hard to spell, and am reduced to struggling to come up with two-syllable words?

Today, my answer came. It's called "The Homeschooling Brain Drain." Here's what clued me in.

My first grader was sitting at the breakfast table (or was it lunch? can't remember... SEE???). Anyway, I don't even remember what we were talking about, but he used the word "reciprocate" as he talked to me. Used it correctly. I'd forgotten about that word. Where'd he get that? (Not from me, the "brain-rot" mom.)

Then he came in after lunch, talking to me about this flower he'd picked. Told me he'd taken it over to some other flowers "where the bees were doing their pollinating." "Pollinating"? We don't do science. 1st-grade science is, for me, reminding my young ones that Mr. Rogers always shows us how things are made. GREAT show to watch!!!

The light bulb went off. I see it so plainly now: as we teach our kids, the ability to think clearly and use intelligent words correctly is transferred from our brains to theirs. They learn from us, but we don't get to keep that part of our brain. It just gets sucked right out. Gone forever.

I can't tell you how relieved I am to know that I can't help the feebleness of my thinking. And I'm not blaming my kids at all. This is just one of the costs of homeschooling. (There's a T-shirt slogan in here somewhere... if only I could think of one...)

I can rest now.

Looking Back

I can't believe it's already been a year. As of this past Saturday, the 14th. One year ago that we stood in a government office, nervous that we'd offend someone, cross some unknown line. Overly optimistic about the future. Blind to the unknown and the conditions of our own hearts. Confident instead of clinging to Him. Prepared for a road we wouldn't travel.

One year ago, we signed on the dotted line, thanked the communist government of Vietnam, and welcomed our Jake into our family. Wow.

This has been quite a year for our family. Very difficult in so many ways, and most especially for our little Jacob. If we'd known how hard, I don't know that we'd have had the courage to trust God and move forward. Not because it hasn't been worth it, and not because God isn't able to provide exceedingly abundant more than we need. But because our sin-soaked hearts want the easy, the peaceful, the known.

We've learned so much this past year. I say that with much hope that it is indeed true of us. And we have so far to go.

But the Lord has kindly provided us, consistently, with hope. With the resolve to start each day with new thoughts, new strength. And He has kindly provided, as well, sweet gifts along the way.

Flowers from Jake pulled from the backyard:

"For Momma...";

M & M's saved for his six-year-old brother, the one

he's fought so much with;

Bedtime bear hugs & pleas, "Momma, please sing ABCs to me"

while the tummy is lightly tickled, chocolate almond eyes

closing slowly in sleep;

An AWANA vest won after three learned verses,

now fully part of "the club";

So many times of unexpected apologies, unsolicited gifts from his heart:

"Momma, I sorry I didn't obey you. I sorry I speak

mean to you."

So many more, too many to list. Sweet gifts that point to light at the end of the tunnel.

Jake's coming has done so much good. I see how unwilling I am to die to myself, and I am humiliated before the Lord (even though it is still not enough) that He would love me at all. I am clinging to the cross as never before, squeezing out the assurance that my sins are forgiven, even mine. That God is at work in me to teach me to love as He does, and to be full of gratitude for His love for me. I am seeing more clearly the things that matter and the things that don't. That I don't have any answers and must constantly be pressed close to the chest of my Father and wait for Him to move, to show, to guide. Jake's coming has been good.

Ran across this verse, don't remember ever reading it:

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,

along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;

I will turn the darkness into light before them

and make the rough places smooth.

These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them."
~Isa. 42:16

The Lord has certainly been faithful to keep His promises to us! And we can't wait to see what His plans are for Jacob. He has already done so much for him! We remain so very thankful that God has brought us into being a family of six, and that His perfect plan was to complete us with our Jake!

Some pictures from the past year, some of our favorites:

Jake's first birthday party at our house, here with friends. Another one is just around the corner. Is he already nearing 6 years old?


Hiking on a nearby mountain last fall. Jake loved this day. It was hard to keep him out of the poison ivy!


Jake and our 6-year-old with "Mrs. B". This precious Sister, a Sunday school and AWANA teacher for both of my little guys, has loved them both so well! Her kindness to our family and her love for my sons overwhelms me. I cannot praise or thank her enough. The Lord is so kind.


Hangin' together, hot and sweaty from being outside. Moments like this have become more frequent, and we rejoice.

This is Mamaw, my husband's mom, enjoying her grandkids this past Christmas.


And God has been good to provide us with Mimi (my mom!), as well!


Christmas cookies, in January, because this first Christmas would not be given up until the cookies were made. I owed him that. We had so much fun!



We celebrated this past year with our "Forever Family" day. A lot of people celebrate "Gotcha" days, and we love that idea! But we took the advice of our social worker and, instead of celebrating that day by focusing only on Jacob, we knew that we needed to celebrate our family as a whole. March 14th, 2008, was the day God made our family what it was meant to be from before time began. So on March 14th of this year, we spent the day focusing on having fun together. Ate at a local Vietnamese restaurant and went bowling. Had a blast! What a sweet day together!

This next year? We are hopeful! We are learning to be much more thankful. To love each other better. And to cling tighter, so much tighter, to the feet of the One Who, in His infinitely loving and kind foreknowledge, chose to bring us together as a family.