So I'm considering scrapping the last post. The dark one. Yeah...
Just got another phone call from someone checking in with me to see if everything's okay.
(sigh) I'm feeling a bit awkward at the moment.
The words that defined the emotional havoc were my reality at that time, and releasing them on screen was my way of wrestling them into order. Allowing light to shine on the mess sometimes helps with a better perception.
Personally, I've found it so helpful to stumble across blogs of people who are easily transparent with their struggles. Who spell it out in black and white and show me the wound that's come. Who allow me to read their fears as they labor to trust and think the thoughts that line up with Truth. I don't rejoice in the pain of anyone, but there is a peculiar balm that comes when we know that our struggles are not unique.
For me, with a life where a high stress level is static, I get to the point of just breaking at times. God knows what I can bear, but I have no clue; and I've often said, "Really, God? This, too?" because I groan under the weight of my sanctification rather than trust the Hand that loves me more than I could ever know. And it helps, somehow, to write about those things.
Anyway.
Things here are... lighter. The trial remains, because its work is not over. But God is changing me. Showing me that I need to stop praying for what would bring an end to the trial and instead pray for His will alone. That I should love Him more than longing for what I think is best. And that I often fall so short of that... All is good, and all is grace.
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