Why are boys so loud?
Why do boys love to make each other poot?
Why do boys eat boogers and lick their snot?
Why do boys kill bugs with delight? (that is SICK)
Why do boys run everywhere?
Why do boys steer their sleds toward the wooden posts of the swing set?
Why do boys with big brown eyes and big squeezy hugs and warm sticky kisses and smiles for their momma melt me into puddles at the end of some of the hardest days?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
So I'm considering scrapping the last post. The dark one. Yeah...
Just got another phone call from someone checking in with me to see if everything's okay.
(sigh) I'm feeling a bit awkward at the moment.
The words that defined the emotional havoc were my reality at that time, and releasing them on screen was my way of wrestling them into order. Allowing light to shine on the mess sometimes helps with a better perception.
Personally, I've found it so helpful to stumble across blogs of people who are easily transparent with their struggles. Who spell it out in black and white and show me the wound that's come. Who allow me to read their fears as they labor to trust and think the thoughts that line up with Truth. I don't rejoice in the pain of anyone, but there is a peculiar balm that comes when we know that our struggles are not unique.
For me, with a life where a high stress level is static, I get to the point of just breaking at times. God knows what I can bear, but I have no clue; and I've often said, "Really, God? This, too?" because I groan under the weight of my sanctification rather than trust the Hand that loves me more than I could ever know. And it helps, somehow, to write about those things.
Anyway.
Things here are... lighter. The trial remains, because its work is not over. But God is changing me. Showing me that I need to stop praying for what would bring an end to the trial and instead pray for His will alone. That I should love Him more than longing for what I think is best. And that I often fall so short of that... All is good, and all is grace.
Just got another phone call from someone checking in with me to see if everything's okay.
(sigh) I'm feeling a bit awkward at the moment.
The words that defined the emotional havoc were my reality at that time, and releasing them on screen was my way of wrestling them into order. Allowing light to shine on the mess sometimes helps with a better perception.
Personally, I've found it so helpful to stumble across blogs of people who are easily transparent with their struggles. Who spell it out in black and white and show me the wound that's come. Who allow me to read their fears as they labor to trust and think the thoughts that line up with Truth. I don't rejoice in the pain of anyone, but there is a peculiar balm that comes when we know that our struggles are not unique.
For me, with a life where a high stress level is static, I get to the point of just breaking at times. God knows what I can bear, but I have no clue; and I've often said, "Really, God? This, too?" because I groan under the weight of my sanctification rather than trust the Hand that loves me more than I could ever know. And it helps, somehow, to write about those things.
Anyway.
Things here are... lighter. The trial remains, because its work is not over. But God is changing me. Showing me that I need to stop praying for what would bring an end to the trial and instead pray for His will alone. That I should love Him more than longing for what I think is best. And that I often fall so short of that... All is good, and all is grace.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Facing the Unknown
I stand at the sink with water up to elbows. Leaned over and braced for the thoughts to die down again, to settle.
I stand in the middle of an unknown path, completely lost as to the next step.
There is nothing familiar here except God. And He is all that is needed. But He has called me to Hard and Alone and Hurt. He has called me to Death and to Battle.
I look for some small familiarness that will anchor my soul, but those have been stripped by Love. Because He knows I will settle into the known rather than cling to the Unseen. So the supports are knocked from sight, and I am standing still.
Every internal fiber screams for the past, for the picture of what was. But He is showing me that the Truth is what is in front of me now. And I am to walk through a reality that I've never fathomed and learn to trust in ways I've never known.
He is here, even though I don't understand His presence like I think I need to. And I am learning to wait ~ even in the midst of incredible pain ~ for Him to move.
I stand in the middle of an unknown path, completely lost as to the next step.
There is nothing familiar here except God. And He is all that is needed. But He has called me to Hard and Alone and Hurt. He has called me to Death and to Battle.
I look for some small familiarness that will anchor my soul, but those have been stripped by Love. Because He knows I will settle into the known rather than cling to the Unseen. So the supports are knocked from sight, and I am standing still.
Every internal fiber screams for the past, for the picture of what was. But He is showing me that the Truth is what is in front of me now. And I am to walk through a reality that I've never fathomed and learn to trust in ways I've never known.
He is here, even though I don't understand His presence like I think I need to. And I am learning to wait ~ even in the midst of incredible pain ~ for Him to move.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Treasuring the Word
So, so often ~ too often ~ it is a struggle to stay awake while I read the Bread in the morning. After struggling to get out of bed at all.
My Bible is precious to me, but not enough. Never enough.
And God has kindly brought me low under the view of the shallowness, the neutrality, that remains at my core:
Thank You, Lord, for the tears and the conviction and the hearing of my confession. You have chosen to bless me with so much; but I take advantage of it all and live the fat life, never with enough of the sense of the disease that You died to rid me of.
Work in me as You see fit to cause me to treasure Your Word as the Kimyals do.
My Bible is precious to me, but not enough. Never enough.
And God has kindly brought me low under the view of the shallowness, the neutrality, that remains at my core:
Thank You, Lord, for the tears and the conviction and the hearing of my confession. You have chosen to bless me with so much; but I take advantage of it all and live the fat life, never with enough of the sense of the disease that You died to rid me of.
Work in me as You see fit to cause me to treasure Your Word as the Kimyals do.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Great PB&CC Cookies
I don't bake a lot of sweets around here.
Not because I'm a health nut.
Not because I don't love to bake.
Just... a moment on the lips, forever on the hips... Know what I'm sayin'?
Mind you, I bake when company is coming or a birthday hits the calendar or it's time for care group.
But to just bake cookies or cake for the kids? It doesn't happen much.
Because it is truly a lack of control on my part. I will eat it all ~ and quickly ~ and apologize later.
My poor kids, yes?
I did run across this incredibly simple & wonderful, wonderful, wonderful cookie recipe in Southern Living, though. Tried it last night and was suddenly mom-of-the-year.
You will have all of these ingredients on hand, so have a go at it:
1 cup creamy peanut butter
3/4 cup sugar
1 large egg
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1 cup semisweet chocolate morsels/chips
(and yes, absolutely no flour involved here)
Mix everything but the chips together really well, then stir in the chips. Drop the dough on parchment-paper lined baking sheets. Cook at 350 degrees for 12 to 14 minutes (and no longer! due to no flour, they are very crumbly and need to be a bit undercooked).
Cool on the pan for 5 minutes, then on a rack for 15 (good luck waiting on that time to pass!).
I need to forget this so, so easy recipe exists... and I am not responsible for your hips!
Not because I'm a health nut.
Not because I don't love to bake.
Just... a moment on the lips, forever on the hips... Know what I'm sayin'?
Mind you, I bake when company is coming or a birthday hits the calendar or it's time for care group.
But to just bake cookies or cake for the kids? It doesn't happen much.
Because it is truly a lack of control on my part. I will eat it all ~ and quickly ~ and apologize later.
My poor kids, yes?
I did run across this incredibly simple & wonderful, wonderful, wonderful cookie recipe in Southern Living, though. Tried it last night and was suddenly mom-of-the-year.
You will have all of these ingredients on hand, so have a go at it:
1 cup creamy peanut butter
3/4 cup sugar
1 large egg
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1 cup semisweet chocolate morsels/chips
(and yes, absolutely no flour involved here)
Mix everything but the chips together really well, then stir in the chips. Drop the dough on parchment-paper lined baking sheets. Cook at 350 degrees for 12 to 14 minutes (and no longer! due to no flour, they are very crumbly and need to be a bit undercooked).
Cool on the pan for 5 minutes, then on a rack for 15 (good luck waiting on that time to pass!).
I need to forget this so, so easy recipe exists... and I am not responsible for your hips!
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