Ever Changing

I'm sure there've been days when I sinned more. I'm sure of it.

I'm sure there've been days when I felt further from God.  I have the memories that are my witness.

But today is one of those days when I feel so unlike a child of God.  I am weary of fighting the battle that my sin brings with each breath.

My Mem leaves tomorrow.  10:00, she'll drive out of the driveway on her last morning as a full-time resident in this home.  From then on, her life will be between two worlds.  Until her college days are over and she moves on beyond that.

While I have found over the past couple of weeks a certain level of excitement for her that's been so helpful and encouraging ("Yes, Lord!  You WILL grace me with the ability to let go!  This might not be so hard after all!") ~ today finds me crying with each turn.

While she packs, she brings me memories from her past as she unearths them in the room where she's slept for the past 13 1/2 years.  I don't want them today.  I want them to stay put, where they belong.  I don't want to sift through them when she's gone.

Her music plays and she sings in the harmony she learned while she grew, and I know the days ahead will hold so little of her alto in this air.

Her brothers are precious and I love them with all I have... but no one can fill anyone else's hole.  And hers will be big and impossible to ignore.

I'm not content and sad beyond reason and nothing feels right.  The dishwashing and laundry and cooking feel like I'm on a stage, in a stupid play that I no longer want to be in... A role I want to quit.  I'm whining and hiding from God and exhausted from the failure that hangs over my head, the banner that reads, "You don't have the joy you're supposed to!!"

I know God is merciful and God is there and God keeps me even when I flail and puddle and fall.  I know He has been good to me beyond ANY reason.  That He continues to love me is impossible ~ impossible to understand.  I know I have been blessed to have Mem 18 1/2 years.  I know that God's choosing to save her is such an incredible gift.  I know I will see her most (if not all!) weekends, and so many parents don't even have that.  I know that to have had a child who loved & served so well in our home is a treasure unheard of in so many families.  I know that, no matter what's happened in our home these past 18 years, God is kind in ALL His works, gracious in all He does.

There should be no sorrow here; only much joy in the blessings and provisions of the Lord.

But this dust-frame is broke.  Out-of-order for today.  Just crying out for continued mercy and grace, knowing that healing will come.  Repentance will be granted.  And Eternity means no more tears ~ or sin.  Hallelujah.