What I Know Today

Today has taught me (well, the past... I don't know.  3 days?  3 months? whatever...)

As of today, this I know:

*Music remains one of God's nicest gifts. God invented music and has shared all its lovely benefits with us. He knows how music can be used to soothe and minister to hurting hearts; He designed it to convey precious Truths to our weary souls; and He uses it to stir our hearts to truly surrender in our worship of Him.

{Satan has taken this gift and disfigured it with the sewage of this world, but it will not always be at his disposal. The Word talks about the great rejoicing and singing that will happen in Heaven, that is happening even now. But I'd bet there's not a lot of singing going on in Hell.}

God chose to use some music ~ quite a lot of music, actually ~ to minister to my soul tonight.  I remain weary fighting the battle of what my emotions are supposed to look like as we settle into a residence of 5 over here.  And there has been a bit more squeezing of my faith as He has chosen to bring some other things to light, as well; things that are very painful & difficult.

I have become greatly discouraged trying to figure out what, exactly, my thoughts and emotions should be.  Saturday, I was just sitting down, mentally & spiritually.  I was giving up for the day, unable to take that next step.  And I couldn't even pray about it much.  Just kept confessing to the Lord that I was done for the time being.  Looking to the Holy Spirit to fix my prayers on the way up, as Philip DeCoursey would say.  To utter for me the things I couldn't articulate.

Just tired.  And then feeling like a complete, utter failure because I'd lost even my desire to fight my sin (whatever that was, exactly).

*You really shouldn't hold onto a secret hope that God won't allow something to happen.  You should instead just keep praying for the future grace you'll need should God choose to do what it looks like He's going to do.

*Don't look to the day when your tears are over; look instead to the God who keeps track of them (Psalm 56:8), knowing that He Himself experienced grief and cried.  Instead, with thanksgiving, remember that the One who has allowed this pain to come for your good is walking with you through your hurt.

*It's okay to be sad.  Even if your sadness goes on longer than you think it should.  Even if everyone else around you seems to be handling their respective trials much better than you.  Your focus needs to be "How do I glorify God even when I'm sad?"  How can you rejoice in the blessings that He still pours out in abundance in your life, even in the toughest of trials?

*It's okay to be at a loss, to find yourself w/out the strength to fight that sin.  To not even be able to discern anymore what the sin is, even.  Sometimes despair and weariness just clouds our brains too much, and our thinking breaks down.  It is in our weakness that we are able to finally, fully see that His grace is, indeed, sufficient.  That His power is on display when we are no longer striving (2 Cor. 12:9)

God is slowly (why is it always "slowly" with me?) bringing me to a greater understanding of His character, of His covenant with me, of His unfailing mercy. While I've sat down in the middle of my walk with Him this past couple of weeks, spiritually and emotionally and mentally giving up, He has not left my side.  His patient love and sovereign hand has upheld me.  I am... unable to say well what the Lord is doing as He perfects this wayward, straying daughter. But I know that He has chosen to not rebuke me but, instead, give me grace and treat me with gentle patience.

*God continues to speak through His Word, even when I can't hear because I'm too wrapped up in grief.  I've stared stupidly at the pages in my Bible quite a bit lately... but He has still talked Truth and Love and Mercy to me... and waited, with gentleness, for me to be able to focus on what He was saying.

*Sometimes the Truth you know takes a while to affect your heart/emotions. It is God's work to change your heart, and you need to not panic while you wait.  Continue to rehearse the truth to yourself; don't sit by stupidly and do nothing.  But remind yourself of what is true, honorable, just, pure, and lovely (Phil 4:8); and then wait for the Holy Spirit to do what only He can do.  Pray.  Pray and ask.

I left my house after supper tonight to walk.  I took my ipod with me, something I never do as I prefer to have only the sound of birds to move me along.  But the ipod was grabbed, I stuck the earbuds in, and hit the button. The song below was the first I heard.

I've always thought this song was beautiful. And thought it would be appropriate for anyone walking through a trial.  It never was used by God to direct my thoughts in the past, though.

Tonight was different ~ and that leads to the next thing I know:

*It really, really doesn't matter if you walk through your neighborhood, alternating between crying and singing with your hands raised at the sky.  Really!  Who cares what your neighbors think?  What mattered for me at the time was that God was kindly, as always, ministering in a tangible way to my erring, awful, still-sin-sick heart.  And I couldn't do anything, actually, except raise my hands and sing to the One who loves me beyond my ability to grasp. 

So thankful for His grace that continues to lift me back up & walk with me on my way Home...