Releasing What Isn't Mine

Tomorrow my 2nd-born leaves for school.

It's been coming. God has been working mightily in my heart to shore me up and press me to lean on Him alone for this grief and time of uncertainty and fear.

But it's a bit like a death of someone close to you who's been ill and you knew would die eventually from their disease. You know it's coming, you're not surprised by it, you're preparing for it...

But the advent hits hard nonetheless, knocking the breath out of you and causing your stomach to knot and twist.

So, I'm here. At my kitchen table and wondering how to bring my thoughts into line with God's. How to trust Him as I say I do, to be at peace with what I say is His perfect work. To get my heart & emotions to line up with what my mind says is truth.

The problem, as I confessed to God this morning, is that I want to remain in control. Not so much over my son and his schooling (although that is a factor, honestly). But I want to stay in control of how much pain I experience in this life.

God has been showing me how much I work to avoid grieving. How unwilling I am to hurt and learn from it. How unlike Him I am, He who gave up His only Son to bear the sin of the world on His righteous, not-guilty shoulders; even to the unimaginable point of having His Father turn His back on Him as He represented that sin for those He came to save. Complete and utter separation, coupled with the pouring out of wrath by the Father on Him, complete agony as His Father turned His face away and forsook Him.

There are some parallels I can draw from these truths. God knows what it's like to be separated from someone you love dearly. He knows what it's like to have much pain because of that separateness. And please don't think I'm comparing my grief over my son being gone to the grief God walked through as He had to separate from Christ. There is no comparison in the weight of those situations.

It is just, again and as always, an incredibly sweet thing for the LORD to remind me that He understands my heart. That He is near and will calm my troubled and burdened heart. That I can trust this One who is able to save and who can sympathize with my weaknesses.

Again, I am blown away by His kindness to me. And I am clinging to the truth, knowing that God will transform my emotions in His perfect timing [because it is necessary for us to be grieved by various trials, at times (1 Peter 1:6), so I know that I need to walk through this grief to have my faith tested and to bring about praise for my Refuge].

Psalm 34

"I asked the LORD for help, and He answered me. He saved me from all that I feared."

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

Zephaniah 3

"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you with His love; He will rejoice over you with singing."

By His Grace Alone

This is just something you have to see. I would ruin it with attempts

at defining or adding to it.

Cardboard Stories from The Austin Stone on Vimeo.

Ephesians 2:1-10

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience ~ among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.

[But God... Are there any sweeter words?]

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ ~ by grace you have been saved ~

[Hallelujah!]

and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

What would your cardboard say?

Without Wheels

The van quit on us on Saturday. Um, on the highway. 2 hours from home. Had thought to be home by 5:30 p.m. Wasn't going to happen. (Got home at 11:30 p.m. [thanks to my husband's best friend] after spending 5 lovely hours in a Hardee's. They have the best chicken tenders!)

In the interim, as we wait and learn to live with one vehicle:

I have had no way to leave my house as often as I was before. I am at home. A lot.

Suddenly, the official end of our school year is an actual target that I can see, plan for. In fact, DJ finished today.

My house is getting clean. And organized. (Well, Prednisone is certainly helping, sure. But if I had a car available, I bet I'd be hauling kids all over tarnation, buying things I don't need to spend money on, going places and meeting too many strangers.)

I am making jam again.

I am finding time to read to the younger two more.

I am petting my animals.

My flowers and plants are getting watered in this incredible heat. And living!

The bird feeders are staying full.

I am talking to my husband on the driveway at the end of the day because everything has been finished and I have the time to actually have a conversation on the driveway just before dark.

I am having to plan better any trips to town, causing me to think through how I do things WITH a car. Meaning, having a car available means that trips to town are much easier and so more frequent. I am now learning to discern better what activities are necessary. I'm seeing, because I'm slowing down, how doing things at the speed of light might get more done, but also causes more stress because I'm not slowing down to think how to do them better. With much less stress.

I am planning meals that are better for my family. Because I have to plan better. And because I'm at home to cook those meals, not sliding in at the last minute (as so often before) to throw a bunch of stuff out of boxes & cans, labeled as "dinner."

Without a car is hard, a bit. But so, so good for me, as well. A much-needed minor trial that is causing me to see things differently. And shudder at how quickly I allow my life to become what I don't want it to be.

Ah, Prednisone...

Because of Prednisone, my one-and-only (??) frenemy...

1. My freezer is clean and organized. Now that I know where everything is, I am finally able to accurately plan those meals for the next 39 days, those recipes that demand 3 hours of my afternoon, the ones I haven't made since I was a new bride. I am pumped & ready to braise.

2. I now know 2 completely different ways to apply my blush to nicely accent my fuller cheeks ("moonface") that have blossomed over the past two days.

3. I am talking in sentences that end. At the end. Without circling back because of some impossible bunny trail.

4. I am using 5- and 6-syllable words that I don't remember learning. I must have used them in term papers. Like, 20 years ago.

5. I am meeting lots of people. New friends, all over the place. Having deep, meaningful conversations with complete strangers. Honestly, about the best things. BECAUSE I CAN'T SEEM TO SHUT MY TRAP.

6. I'm not forgetting anything. My mind has become a steel trap. Full of everything. I'm having to remind myself to not throw out the Daytimer (yes, I still use a hard copy).

because i know this won't last...

7. I'm cleaning house while simultaneously blogging, checking off lists, reading the paper, and parenting. And I'm smiling. Because suddenly I can do it all!!!!!

8. I'm ready to conquer the whole house, throw out most of everything, and start all over. Paint and everything. Hoo-doggie!

9. I am finally right about absolutely everything! I make no errors in judgment, and everyone around me is benefiting from my sound decisions (read up on "prednisone" if this dot doesn't connect for you; honestly, this is really funny! and, obviously, are you praying for these poor people who have to live with me right now?).

10. 5:26 a.m. is an AMAZING time! So is 12:19 a.m.!

11. I'm awake for my quiet times in the morning! No more dozing off before coffee!

Seriously, though. Seriously.

I'm thankful that God kindly placed me in history when I could have the advantage of a medicine that has helped knock back a really ugly case of eczema.

But I'm hoping, praying, that this is the end. In about 5 more days. Because the list of the "bads" really does outweigh the "goods."

Why?

As God is teaching me to realize a more fuller love for Him, He is working through so many avenues.

I've been meditating on Ephesians 2. Rich passage detailing who I was ("dead in the trespasses in sins in which you once walked") but how God saved me because of His rich mercy and kindness.

Charles Spurgeon. First of all, I just love this man. Said it before: once I'm in Heaven, once I can get off my face (and will that even happen?), I'm looking for Charles. It is because of God's kindness that I know this man at all, that he has ministered in countless ways to me and my family. So God alone is to be praised for Charles Spurgeon. But I sure do want to hug his big ol' neck (are we still, um, large in Heaven? probably not, with the whole new glorified body thing)... anyway, I do know I'll know him, slender version or not. And I can't wait to weep tears of joy with him over how God chose to use him to draw people to Christ and then minister peace to their hearts as they began to travel Home.

So, Charles Spurgeon. I'm reading his commentaries on Ephesians 2, and God is just shredding the callouses off of my heart as I am understanding more of His love that is so far beyond my understanding.

Who I was before Christ was so incredibly ugly and sick and dead. I hated God and lived a life that blared that message to all who saw me. I despised the ways of the LORD and wanted only to be my own god. And I lived that "in-Your-face" rebelliousness for many years before God changed me.

But Ephesians 2 says this:

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love

with which He loved (me), even when (I) was dead

in (my) trespasses, made (me) alive together with Christ."

As a dead person, I spat in God's face with my life and drug His name in the mud as I confessed to "being a Christian."

"But God"... as someone else has already said, there are no sweeter words.

But God remained faithful to His choice of me. And here's what Spurgeon said:

"WHAT GOD DID FOR US, even when we were dead in our sins: Well, first of all, He remained faithful to His choice of us. He had chosen His people or ever the earth was, and He did not choose them in the dark. He knew right well what their nature would be, and also the practice which would grow out of their nature; so that nothing that has happened has ever surprised the Lord concerning any one of His people. [And I am blown away that He continued with me...] He was well aware beforehand of all their corruption and filthiness; so, when He saw them acting as I have described [referring to what Spurgeon had already written], He did not turn from His purpose to save them. Blessed be His name for this. It is one of the wonders of His grace, and proves the greatness of His love."

Knowing, remembering, who I was; being reminded that He always knew what I would be; hearing freshly that He chose to remain faithful to His choice of me and His love for me, because He is only and ever faithful...

What heart could not be stirred to love? And yet I remain convinced that my heart is stirred by His grace alone, even at the revelation of this incredible truth.