It's been coming. God has been working mightily in my heart to shore me up and press me to lean on Him alone for this grief and time of uncertainty and fear.
But it's a bit like a death of someone close to you who's been ill and you knew would die eventually from their disease. You know it's coming, you're not surprised by it, you're preparing for it...
But the advent hits hard nonetheless, knocking the breath out of you and causing your stomach to knot and twist.
So, I'm here. At my kitchen table and wondering how to bring my thoughts into line with God's. How to trust Him as I say I do, to be at peace with what I say is His perfect work. To get my heart & emotions to line up with what my mind says is truth.
The problem, as I confessed to God this morning, is that I want to remain in control. Not so much over my son and his schooling (although that is a factor, honestly). But I want to stay in control of how much pain I experience in this life.
God has been showing me how much I work to avoid grieving. How unwilling I am to hurt and learn from it. How unlike Him I am, He who gave up His only Son to bear the sin of the world on His righteous, not-guilty shoulders; even to the unimaginable point of having His Father turn His back on Him as He represented that sin for those He came to save. Complete and utter separation, coupled with the pouring out of wrath by the Father on Him, complete agony as His Father turned His face away and forsook Him.
There are some parallels I can draw from these truths. God knows what it's like to be separated from someone you love dearly. He knows what it's like to have much pain because of that separateness. And please don't think I'm comparing my grief over my son being gone to the grief God walked through as He had to separate from Christ. There is no comparison in the weight of those situations.
It is just, again and as always, an incredibly sweet thing for the LORD to remind me that He understands my heart. That He is near and will calm my troubled and burdened heart. That I can trust this One who is able to save and who can sympathize with my weaknesses.
Again, I am blown away by His kindness to me. And I am clinging to the truth, knowing that God will transform my emotions in His perfect timing [because it is necessary for us to be grieved by various trials, at times (1 Peter 1:6), so I know that I need to walk through this grief to have my faith tested and to bring about praise for my Refuge].
Psalm 34
"I asked the LORD for help, and He answered me. He saved me from all that I feared."
"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
Zephaniah 3
"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you with His love; He will rejoice over you with singing."
2 comments:
So how was the day? I was thinking about you....
Lisa, thanks for your sweet words! It was hard, actually, but not in the way I thought it would be.
It's funny how God's ways are so different from ours. I was expecting this Wednesday to be difficult on one level, but God's plan was for it to turn in a direction I wasn't prepared for (and I'll share that w/you later!).
God is kind, though, and has sustained me through what He chose for this day.
Missing seeing you!! Hope to catch up soon!
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