It's not officially his half birthday, but close enough. A very chaotic schedule pushes everything around. But any day is a good day for lemon cake, cookies-and-cream ice cream, and an Atlantis Lego shark thingy!
And DJ's fun! It's always a joy to bless him and enjoy life with him!
I asked him to pray at breakfast today, this being his half birthday and all.
I expected the usual ~ God-honoring, yes ~ but still a prayer from a very young boy. (And might I add, one who can barely sit still, much less think through anything deep for very long.)
But I need to back up a bit.
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The sea's been rough this past month. Dark time, here. I've been flailing about, trying to steer my own little life boat in this huge mess of a life on my little corner.
And I know that God is there, and that He is working His perfect plans, and that He can be trusted, and that He loves me more than I will ever know this side of Heaven, and that He will not only be burning my dross but will be using my life to sharpen others, and He will get Himself much glory one way or the other through however my life ends up...
But it's been rough. And I've been bewildered. Uncharted territory, honestly, this particular trial.
And so I've been asking the usual: "God, are You going to show me what I'm doing wrong so I can stop?" and "Is this really how this is supposed to be going?" and "Are you going to fix this soon because I'm fearful ~ terribly fearful ~ that we're moving past the point of no return and I'm not sure how to stop all of this!!!!"...
I don't think I'm accomplishing anything for His glory. I'm in turmoil as to what my next step should be. I believe that all I can do adequately is make mistakes.
I am feeling pretty useless.
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But then, we come to breakfast, today, and I ask DJ to pray. And I wait for the usual while my thoughts swirl with the overwhelmingness of today's agenda.
"Dear God, thank You for making me 8 1/2! Pretty soon, I'll be 9! And then, I'll be 9 1/2! [dramatic pause, because this is ~ after all ~ our DJ.] And then I'll be 10!"
[Oh, LORD, please...]
"And then I'll be 10 1/2!"
[LORD, fill me with Your patience. Do I need to address this?]
"Lord, thank You for giving me birth, and giving me life..."
(oh...)
[Bite the tongue to stop the tears (because tears have their own zip code behind both eyes these days). Lord, help me not cry.]
"And thank You for putting me in a wealthy family..."
[Wha'? Us? Wealthy?... oh. well, yes. Compared to 95% of the rest of the world, we're incredibly wealthy. Even if the USofA says we're middle class, we're actually very wealthy. Why don't I think like this??]
"And thank You for giving me to two parents who love You and want to teach me about You..."
In the middle of this stormy place, when I can't even see my own hand in front of my face...
the Lord speaks to me in breakfast thanksgiving. Sound waves move as LOVE reaches middle ear and steadies the frenzied brain.
The Spirit whispers
hopehopehope
and
trust Me (not what you see)
and
I will never leave you nor forsake you...
And I am undone with the realization that God sees my fear and speaks to it and gives me hope that He is working in our family, even when I can only see a mess made by human hands.
I am strengthened with the truth that God is for me, that He has surrounded me, and that He will bring the good out of the bad.
And that, even in the stormiest of seas, the Anchor remains. And I am safe.
We are safe.
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