What Love Isn't

23 years ago, give or take a year or two, the LORD changed my heart to start following after Him. I'm one of those who didn't have a specific point where I bowed in prayer and asked the LORD to save me. I grew up, out of church after the age of 10, with the "once-saved-always-saved" theology rattling around in the back of my brain (way, way back in there), believing I was safe and therefore free to live my life in utter rebellion.

It wasn't until after the LORD had given me new desires and placed me at a strong church with deep teaching that I begin to understand that He had changed me, cleaned me, marked me as His. I begin to grow in my knowledge of who I had been and who I now was and what God had done for me.

23 or so years ago.

But it wasn't until 4 or 5 years ago that I began to understand something. And I must say this is embarrassing to admit, but I am just stupid. What I had to learn is so basic ~ and yet God is sovereign. He allows (for whatever reason!) some of His own to just be... ignorant for a while. I'm one of those. Probably because I'm so prideful, and I need regular, consistent reminders that I know absolutely nothing.

What I saw was this: unless I pursued the LORD with a passion for growing in my love for and intimacy with Him, my relationship with Him was really not going to thrive. I responded over the years to things I faced in ways that screamed of my lack of intimacy with God. My obedience to Him began to show its twisted, unfruitful flaws. The Spirit impressed on me my great need to pursue Him, to cry out to Him, for increase in my affections for Him.

And so I focused on that. I have seen my great need for that, pressing on in prayer and reading in order to know my God, to love my God, to obey my God, in ways that honor and please Him because they come from a heart that sees Him more fully for Who He is, from a heart that understands more His sacrificial love for me. By His grace, there has been growth. By His grace, I continue to pursue.

In the past year or so, however, I have begun to see this (and is there no end to the wickedness of this heart?): I've caught myself crying out to God for a greater love for Him in order to have (_______). That blank gets filled according to the trial du jour. Lord, give me a greater love for you so I can have peace. So I will not hurt. So this person won't cause me so much stress and trouble. My list has much more. In my mind, loving God more means that I gain the super-hero ability to not care as much about the chaos, the stressers, the things that cause pain. Loving God more ensures that, because my heart is full for Him, no other emotions can intrude. Yes, I know, it doesn't really make sense.

In essence: Lord, give me a greater love for You so my life is easier/pain-free/nice. NOT, Lord, give me a greater love for You so I can trust You in this. So I can still praise You in this. So I can agree with You that this is the best for me because You've allowed it to be so.

Instead, it's: Lord, help me to love you more so that I don't feel the trial of this trial.

Praise God that He has shown me this. That He graces me to battle it. It is still a battle. I find myself with trial all around and I look to Him to take it away, believing that if I could just love Him a bit more, I'd be above it all, floating through this world on my way to Heaven, full only of joy and contentment.

Believer, we must cry out for a greater love for Jesus that says, "Whatever You choose for me, LORD, I will stay under it if it is heavy, believing the Truth that You are working all things for my good, that all of your works are kind, and that You do not forsake your own. I will take up my cross, I will be content because You have said 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'"

For me, I will also say, "I will stop and worship and marvel that You continue to bear with and love me, your still-ugliest child, trusting that You are purifying my love for You. You are my only hope, and I'm clinging to You."